Learning to Love Yourself: Why Self-Care Is Harder Than It Sounds

“Love yourself” is advice we hear all the time.

But for many people, it doesn’t land as something comforting, it feels confusing, unrealistic, or even uncomfortable.

If self-care feels awkward, selfish, or impossible, there’s nothing wrong with you. The ability to care for yourself is not automatic, it’s learned. And for many of us, it was never modelled.

This blog explores why we struggle with self-love, what self-care actually is (and isn’t), and why learning to care for yourself is one of the most important parts of healing.

Why We Struggle to Love Ourselves

Self-love isn’t difficult because we’re doing it wrong.

It’s difficult because of what we learned early on.

Many people grow up believing:

   •   love must be earned

   •   needs are a burden

   •   rest is lazy

   •   emotions are inconvenient

   •   being “good” means putting others first

If you learned that approval came from being useful, quiet, or strong, self-care can feel unfamiliar or unsafe.

For people who experienced trauma, neglect, addiction in the family, or early responsibility, survival came first, not self-nurture.

You don’t struggle with self-love because you lack it.

You struggle because you learned to survive without it.

What Self-Care Actually Is (and Isn’t)

Self-care has been watered down and commercialised.

It’s often sold as bubble baths, candles, and days off, which can be lovely, but they’re not the full picture.

Self-care is:

   •   listening to your body

   •   setting boundaries

   •   resting without guilt

   •   saying no when you need to

   •   choosing what supports your wellbeing

   •   responding to yourself with compassion

   •   meeting your emotional needs

Self-care is not:

   •   selfishness

   •   avoidance

   •   perfection

   •   indulgence

   •   something you earn after exhaustion

True self-care is about how you treat yourself consistently, not occasionally.

Why Self-Care Can Bring Up Guilt

Guilt often shows up when we start caring for ourselves.

You might hear an inner voice saying:

   •   “Other people have it worse.”

   •   “I should be doing more.”

   •   “This is lazy.”

   •   “I don’t deserve this.”

This is not your intuition, it’s conditioning.

That voice often comes from early messages that your worth was tied to productivity, caregiving, or coping. Challenging it can feel uncomfortable because it asks you to unlearn old rules.

The Link Between Self-Love and the Nervous System

Self-love isn’t just a mindset, it’s a nervous system experience.

If your body has spent years in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn, slowing down can feel unsafe. Care can feel unfamiliar. Kindness can feel suspicious.

Learning to love yourself means:

   •   learning to feel safe in your body

   •   allowing gentleness

   •   building regulation

   •   tolerating rest without panic

This is why self-care isn’t about willpower, it’s about safety.

Why Self-Love Is Essential for Healing and Recovery

Without self-love:

   •   burnout becomes normal

   •   boundaries collapse

   •   relationships become imbalanced

   •   shame grows

   •   relapse risk increases

   •   emotional exhaustion deepens

With self-love:

   •   boundaries strengthen

   •   self-respect grows

   •   regulation improves

   •   resilience increases

   •   relationships become healthier

   •   healing becomes sustainable

Self-love isn’t self-absorption.

It’s self-preservation.

What Loving Yourself Looks Like in Real Life

Loving yourself is not about feeling confident all the time.

It looks like:

   •   speaking to yourself with kindness when you struggle

   •   allowing rest before collapse

   •   choosing progress over perfection

   •   noticing when you’re overwhelmed

   •   asking for help

   •   forgiving yourself for being human

   •   treating yourself as someone worth caring for

It’s quiet.

It’s consistent.

And it’s deeply radical for people who learned to survive by ignoring themselves.

How Therapy Supports Self-Love and Self-Care

Therapy offers a space to explore:

   •   where your self-beliefs came from

   •   why care feels difficult

   •   how your inner critic operates

   •   what your nervous system needs

   •   how to build self-compassion safely

In therapy, self-love isn’t forced, it’s developed slowly, with understanding and patience.

Final Thought

Learning to love yourself is not about becoming someone new.

It’s about reconnecting with the part of you that learned to disappear to survive.

Self-care is not a reward for coping well, it’s a requirement for living well.

And if loving yourself feels hard, start here:

with curiosity instead of judgement,

with compassion instead of criticism,

and with the knowledge that you are already worthy of care, exactly as you are.

Jr Atkins MNCPS