Emotional Regulation: Why We Lose Control and How to Rebuild Inner Safety.

If you’ve ever gone from calm to overwhelmed in seconds, angry, shut down, anxious, tearful, or numb, you’re not broken.

You’re not “too emotional.”

And you’re definitely not weak.

What you’re experiencing is emotional dysregulation, and it’s far more common than most people realise.

In therapy, especially trauma therapy and addiction recovery work, I see how many adults struggle with emotional regulation because they were never taught how to feel, process, or express emotions safely. What we call “losing control” is usually the nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do during childhood.

The good news?

Emotional regulation is a skill, not a personality trait.

And skills can be learned, strengthened, and rebuilt.

What Is Emotional Regulation?

Emotional regulation is the ability to:

   •   recognise what you’re feeling

   •   understand what’s happening in your body

   •   stay grounded during emotional spikes

   •   respond rather than react

   •   soothe yourself without harmful coping

For many people, especially those with trauma histories or addiction issues, these skills were never modeled, supported, or taught.

This is why emotional regulation is a key focus in counselling, CBT therapy, and trauma-informed work.

Why We Struggle With Emotions

Emotional dysregulation rarely comes out of nowhere. It usually begins in childhood.

Common causes include:

   •   Growing up in chaos or unpredictability

Your nervous system learned to stay on alert.

   •   Emotional neglect

If no one helped you understand feelings, they now feel overwhelming.

   •   Trauma or adverse childhood experiences

The body stays stuck in fight, flight, or freeze.

   •   Being shamed for emotions

“Stop crying.”

“Calm down.”

“Don’t be sensitive.”

These messages teach children to fear their feelings.

   •   Modelling unhealthy coping

If adults coped with anger, shutting down, drinking, or numbing, that becomes your blueprint.

   •   Unexpressed grief or shame

What doesn’t get processed gets stored.

Nothing about this is your fault.

Your emotional responses once kept you safe — they’re just outdated now.

What Emotional Dysregulation Looks Like in Adults

People often think dysregulation is just “anger issues,” but it’s much broader.

It can look like:

   •   snapping or shutting down in seconds

   •   anxiety spikes or panic attacks

   •   emotional numbness

   •   people-pleasing to avoid conflict

   •   feeling overwhelmed by small things

   •   emotional floods (tears, rage, fear)

   •   being triggered easily

   •   using substances or behaviours to cope

   •   avoiding conversations or intimacy

   •   feeling out of control internally

If this resonates, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Your system is doing what it learned to do.

What’s Happening in the Brain + Body

When emotions feel “too much,” the nervous system switches into survival mode.

This can look like:

   •   Fight: anger, irritability, defensiveness

   •   Flight: anxiety, overthinking, avoidance

   •   Freeze: numbness, shutdown, dissociation

   •   Fawn: people-pleasing, appeasing, losing self

This is why trauma therapy, nervous system regulation, and integrative counselling are so effective, we’re not just talking; we’re rewiring how the body responds.

How to Improve Emotional Regulation

Here are evidence-based tools used in therapy for anxiety, trauma, and addiction recovery.

1. Naming the feeling

Putting language to emotion helps calm the brain.

“I’m overwhelmed.”

“I’m scared.”

“I feel rejected.”

2. Grounding your body

Simple, powerful techniques:

   •   slow breathing

   •   feet flat on the floor

   •   cold water on hands

   •   looking around the room

These help regulate the nervous system.

3. Pausing before reacting

A 10-second pause can completely change your response.

4. Checking the meaning you’re attaching

CBT helps you ask:

   •   “What story am I telling myself?”

   •   “Is this old or new?”

   •   “Is this my wounded inner child reacting?”

5. Noticing triggers

Patterns often come from:

   •   abandonment fears

   •   criticism

   •   shame

   •   feeling ignored

Understanding your triggers = less emotional spiralling.

6. Practising self-compassion

Softening the inner critic (or as I call it, The Shitty Committee) helps regulate emotions more than willpower ever could.

7. Learning to self-soothe

Healthy soothing might include:

   •   breathwork

   •   journaling

   •   going for a walk

   •   speaking to someone safe

   •   grounding exercises

8. Therapy

Trauma-informed counselling and integrative therapy help you:

   •   understand emotional patterns

   •   heal triggers

   •   build inner safety

   •   process experiences that overwhelm the system

   •   create healthier coping skills

You can’t regulate emotions you were never allowed to feel.

How Therapy Helps Rebuild Inner Safety

Therapy creates the emotional safety most people never had growing up.

It helps you:

   •   identify old survival patterns

   •   strengthen the adult self

   •   calm the nervous system

   •   build healthier relationships

   •   reduce anxiety and reactivity

   •   respond rather than react

   •   rewrite the beliefs formed in childhood

Emotional regulation grows with practice, patience, and support — not perfection.

A Final Word

If you lose control of your emotions at times, it doesn’t mean you’re “too much” or “not enough.”

It means your nervous system is still trying to protect you in the only way it knows.

But you’re not that child anymore.

You’re allowed to slow down, breathe, and learn a new way of responding.

Emotional regulation is achievable. Healing is possible. And you don’t have to do it alone.

Jr Atkins MNCPS